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My First Day

“Why jump straight to exposing yourself to strangers on the internet?”

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Today was my first day as a professional webcam model.  If you had asked me ten years ago what I thought I would be doing when I was 25, this would not have been on the list.

I went to a good college, I graduated Magna Cum Laude, I went to graduate school, and I got my doctorate.  After I graduated, I was accepted into a year-long, post-graduate internship program on the other side of the country.  So I packed up my house and my pets and drove across the country, excited to start my professional career.

Now, I knew going into it that an intern’s salary is only about one third of what a professional in the field makes.  But it is great experience, offers a safety net for your first year out, and it gives me a year to figure out what direction I want to take my career.  I also knew that the state I chose to move to has a very high cost of living.  However, I did not anticipate that the combination of those things and the incredibly high income tax would have me looking at my first paycheck and realizing there was no way I could pay my bills.  My salary is barely enough to cover rent each month.

But, you might ask, why jump straight to exposing yourself to strangers on the internet?  Well, there are a lot of different factors that contributed to that decision.  The first, and probably most significant, is that, as an intern, I work 15-18 hours a day, six days a week.  That does not leave much time for another job, especially not one in the field in which I already work.  Not only does it not leave much time, but it means I need to have flexible work hours, because I never know what time I will get done at my regular job.  The second is that I wanted to spend the time I wasn’t working at home with my pets.  They are my children, and my work schedule is already really stressful for them.  The third is that I am sexually curious, and I felt that if I had to spend all of my free time working, I should at least do something I would hopefully enjoy.  And I thought, all of those years sending nude pictures to guys counts as experience, right?

So, here I am.  I worked for an hour and a half this morning before I had to go to my regular job.  I didn’t earn very much money, but at this point every little bit helps.  And if I work for a couple of hours every day, I should be able to make ends meet.

I’m hoping this blog will be a way to help me work through my feelings about the whole experience and maybe share an interesting story here or there. I’m telling myself right now that this is only going to be a year-long experience to get me through my internship.

My First Lesson

Tonight I had to learn a lesson that I’m sure all models learn at some point.  Lately I have had a lot of clients interested in arranging off screen time with me.  As I have mentioned, this is strictly against the rules.  As models, we are not allowed to solicit any off screen encounters or to give our personal information to clients.  As I have also mentioned, there are clients that find ways around these rules.  I have made a couple of posts about my exceptions: Tom is my patron and Vivian and Edward are the BDSM couple that I am interested in arranging a threesome with.  I really enjoy them and I do give them a good amount of my time off screen.

However, lately I have had a lot of clients pushing me for my time and I have been a little bit too accommodating.  I was up until 0400 this morning chatting with clients for free.  Out of the five hours I was online I probably only worked for two.  I am already exhausted from my day job and I can’t afford to get any less sleep, especially if I’m not getting paid.  I have had a couple of clients say they will pay for my time off screen, but once I’ve made the arrangements and we’re chatting, they don’t follow through.

So, I am putting my foot down.  No more off screen time for new clients.  I can’t say no to Tom, Edward, or Vivian, because I do really like them and I think it’s actually been good for my mental health to have them, but I am not making arrangements for anyone else.

The Client Who Wanted to Make Me Cry

Tonight I had an interesting experience with a client who has a fetish for watching girls cry.  Now, I am a sub, but I have to admit I was not excited by the idea of being emotionally abused to the point I would cry.

Story Time

For the most party my clients are really sweet guys who get off watching me get off.  Tonight, though, I had a client who gets off by degrading and demeaning women until they cry.  I told him I was willing to let him try.

He started by asking if any of my family or friends know I do camera work.  I told him that two of my best friends know (they do; they’re not thrilled about it but they understand and support me) but my family doesn’t. He wanted to know what my dad would think if he knew.  I was honest and told him my dad would probably cry.  My dad is a devout, born-again Jehovah’s Witness, and knowing that I was exposing myself to strangers on the internet would break his heart.  And not just because he would find it immoral and disgusting, but because he would be hurt that I would rather do that than come to him for help.  My dad is a retired military man who is now working for the post-office.  He can barely support himself; I can’t ask him to support me, too.

When my client learned that, he knew what he wanted me to do.  He asked me to pretend to call my dad and tell him about my camera work.  Even though I knew I didn’t actually have to call my dad, I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach.  Even though I was pretending, I still felt a twist in my heart at the thought of my dad having to hear that from me.  I didn’t actually cry, but it did make me think.

Once that didn’t work, my client changed tactics.  He started to critique the way I look.  Now, I am very critical of my body, and I do a lot to try to stay fit and look my best.  However, if I am being objective, I am moderately attractive at best.  I’m what I semi-jokingly refer to as “fat-skinny”.  I am thin and have good muscle tone, but I have a layer of fat over my abdomen, thighs and butt.  I also struggle with acne constantly and I think my nose is too big.  So, I am aware of my flaws and I am probably more critical of myself than anyone else.  Therefore when this client told me I was fat and that I was less attractive than most of the girls on the site, I was not particularly hurt.

By this point my client was starting to get frustrated, but said he was also intrigued.  I was honest and told him my self-esteem doesn’t hinge on what a faceless stranger on the internet thinks of me.  And besides, the vast majority of my clients tell me I’m gorgeous on a regular basis, so one person’s opinion doesn’t really affect me.

He then asked me to tell him one of my biggest insecurities.  Again, I was trying to be honest.  I told him that my biggest fear is that I am not really a good person, that I only do good things for people so that they will like me.  He jumped on that.  He said it was obvious I was desperate to be liked, I am exposing myself to people on the internet.  I agreed with him, which I think threw him off.  I told him I know my flaws, but I’m not going to cry about it.  I’m working on it.  I know I’m damaged, so having a stranger point it out to me isn’t really that upsetting.

He was finally either out of time, out of money or out of patience, because he said he would need to time to think of other things to ask me and then said goodnight.  Until next time, sir.

Although he didn’t succeed in making me cry, this client did make me think.  I am still comfortable with this experience and I don’t have any moral objections to it.  I am a strong, independent woman and get to choose.  I would rather use my sexuality in my free time, for myself, but I don’t mind sharing it with others and so far it has been a fun experience.

My Second Week

I still feel like this is a good experience for me.  I have over 200 followers and I am trying something new all the time.  I now have two “free chat lifers” but they are both really sweet guys and I don’t mind talking to them.  I am making enough money to support myself and to start paying off some of my debt.  I have had one heckler, but he was just upset that I wouldn’t take my top off for him for free, and he left my room pretty quickly.

My life off camera is a little more complicated.  I am still working 15-18 hour days, I am making about $6/hour (salaried) and my superiors are not kind.  They berate us for the smallest things, things that have no consequences, but inconvenience them in minor ways.  Yesterday I actually fainted during a procedure and had to be taken to the emergency room.  The doctor there said I most likely had a vasovagal event from the stress.

When I am on camera I am making a lot more money and the people have been really nice.  And I get to have fun sexual experiences on top of that.  It really puts things in perspective.

My First Onscreen Orgasm

Tonight I had my first real onscreen orgasm.  It is hard for me climax in the best environment (ie bottle of wine, lights off, my own bed, lesbian porn) and it is even harder with the pressure of doing it when asked and on camera.  So up to this point I have had to fake it every time a client has asked me.  Thus far no one has noticed, but I will admit it’s a little frustrating for me to get close, then have to fake it, and then have to get dressed and get ready for the next show.  So for me to climax onscreen during a show was a big deal and a bit of relief.

Story Time

In my bio on my company’s website, one of the things I have listed in my interests is threesomes.  I have never been in one but I honestly really want to try it.  I am bi and the idea of being in a threesome with a man and woman is a huge turn on for me.  I have recently found clients that are a couple and they are very much into the idea of being in a threesome with me.  For the sake of privacy I will call them Edward and Vivian, from ‘Pretty Woman’.  They are a BDSM couple where he is always dom.  They have discussed letting her be dom with me though, if we were to get together.  Usually I talk to one of them at a time (I guess it’s possible it’s just one person leading me on, but I have no way to tell) but every once in awhile they will be on together and will pay for a show.

Tonight I was just talking with Edward, because Vivian is out of town.  He told me they had been talking about me a lot and they really want to meet up.  They don’t live very far from me, but I have told them I’m not allowed to give out my personal information to clients.  He said he understood but he would try sending me a message with his information (I never received it, and this is not the first time, so I’m thinking my company screens my messages for personal information).

Edward really wanted to give me an idea of the kind of thing that I could expect if I were to meet up with them.  He told me that Vivian is really attracted to me also, but because he is the dom he gets to have me first.  He described having her watch as he had his way with me and then letting her have me afterwards.  He wanted to watch me masturbate as he described these things to me and it was a huge turn on for me.  I actually orgasmed when he told me she wanted to have a turn with me.

I really like this couple and I think it would be so much fun to meet up with them.  I just don’t know how to arrange it and I am not totally convinced it would be safe.  I honestly do want to have a threesome experience, but I have no idea how to find it for myself.  I’ve been hoping my company would set up something for me in one of the videos they produce, but I haven’t heard anything.  Maybe I will just keep thinking about Edward and Vivian and hopefully something will work out.

My First Attempt at Dom

Tonight I had my first opportunity to try being a dom.  I am always sub; it’s the part I most enjoy and it’s the part I’m best at.  But tonight I had a client that wanted me to talk him through a kidnapping fantasy where I was the kidnapper.  It was a lot of fun!

Story Time

My online persona is a nurse.  I’m not a nurse in real life but I do work in the medical field and I have the knowledge to pass for one.  So keep in mind that is what this client was expecting.

He is in the military and is living on base, so he wanted me to describe how I would kidnap him from the base and have my way with him.  It went something like this:

I am a nurse who was contracted by the military to fill in on base when their staff nurses are out sick.  I am administering flu shots and I notice him as soon as he walks in the room.  I am immediately attracted to him, but I have no idea how to tell him.  So I come up with a plan to kidnap him and have him all to myself.  When he sits down for his flu shot I don’t draw up the vaccine, instead I draw up a dose of sedative.  I administer the sedative and he has just enough time to realize what’s going on, so I have to cover his mouth with my hand as he starts to pass out.

When he wakes up he is bound and gagged in another part of the base where no one will find us.  I loosen his gag so that we can talk and that I can convince him he wants to be with me voluntarily.  I undo his pants so that I can convince him.  He tells me that he’s liked me all along and that I never needed to kidnap him.  So I undo his bonds.  But he turns the tables on me and ties me up and gags me.  Then he can do whatever he wants to me.

I absolutely loved this experience.  I really liked getting to try out being a dom and the client was incredibly sweet.  It was also just a fun scenario to act out.  He is in the military and is stationed overseas, so that added an element of excitement and romance to it.  I hope he stays safe.

My First Week

I have officially been a webcam model for over a week now.  It’s already been a crazy experience.  I’ve done so many new things and learned a lot about what’s out there.

I have been doing 18 hours a day at my regular job and then about two hours a night on the webcam, so I am exhausted.  Today is my day off from my regular job though, so I am catching up on sleep and chores and time with my dogs.  I am also going to do yoga in the park in the sunshine, which I am really excited about.  I will probably model tonight, but maybe I won’t do it for very long and I will go to bed early.

I think this will be a sustainable way for me to make a living.  I am tired, but it isn’t strenuous and the flexible hours make it so I can work as much as I want whenever I want.  I just hope I don’t get burned out.  My sexuality is a big part of who I am.  I don’t want to do so much on the webcam that I can’t enjoy sex in real life, when the opportunity presents itself.

My Second Date With Tom

As we had scheduled, tonight was my second date with Tom.  We spent a lot of time at the beginning discussing logistics.  We are caught in the middle of two difficult situations.  The first is that he doesn’t have infinite money to spend on my time.  The second is that I can’t afford to spend time with him for free.  So I suggested a flat rate per date.  That way he can budget accordingly and I can allocate as much time as I can afford.

I still feel weird taking his money.  I enjoy his company and the experience is as much fun for me as it is for him.  I have never been in this kind of situation, so maybe I just need time to adjust.  He has done this before and he says he is comfortable with the arrangement.

After we got the business aspect out of the way, we chatted for a little while.  Mostly about our perspectives on the BDSM community and the kinds of things we’re into.  We also set up the rules for our own BDSM arrangement.  It was all very exciting.  The only thing that kind of threw me was that he said he didn’t think he would ever be comfortable meeting me in person.  I hadn’t though of it in any real way, but to me it was an exciting proposition.  Maybe I misjudged when I made my comparison to “Tom” from ‘Milk Money’.

I did strip for him near the end of our date.  It was nearly five hours of camera time before he asked me to take my clothes off.  If I think about it in terms of hours, that is probably the longest date I have ever had before I ended up naked.  It’s an interesting thought.