Tonight I had an interesting experience with a client who has a fetish for watching girls cry. Now, I am a sub, but I have to admit I was not excited by the idea of being emotionally abused to the point I would cry.
For the most party my clients are really sweet guys who get off watching me get off. Tonight, though, I had a client who gets off by degrading and demeaning women until they cry. I told him I was willing to let him try.
He started by asking if any of my family or friends know I do camera work. I told him that two of my best friends know (they do; they’re not thrilled about it but they understand and support me) but my family doesn’t. He wanted to know what my dad would think if he knew. I was honest and told him my dad would probably cry. My dad is a devout, born-again Jehovah’s Witness, and knowing that I was exposing myself to strangers on the internet would break his heart. And not just because he would find it immoral and disgusting, but because he would be hurt that I would rather do that than come to him for help. My dad is a retired military man who is now working for the post-office. He can barely support himself; I can’t ask him to support me, too.
When my client learned that, he knew what he wanted me to do. He asked me to pretend to call my dad and tell him about my camera work. Even though I knew I didn’t actually have to call my dad, I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach. Even though I was pretending, I still felt a twist in my heart at the thought of my dad having to hear that from me. I didn’t actually cry, but it did make me think.
Once that didn’t work, my client changed tactics. He started to critique the way I look. Now, I am very critical of my body, and I do a lot to try to stay fit and look my best. However, if I am being objective, I am moderately attractive at best. I’m what I semi-jokingly refer to as “fat-skinny”. I am thin and have good muscle tone, but I have a layer of fat over my abdomen, thighs and butt. I also struggle with acne constantly and I think my nose is too big. So, I am aware of my flaws and I am probably more critical of myself than anyone else. Therefore when this client told me I was fat and that I was less attractive than most of the girls on the site, I was not particularly hurt.
By this point my client was starting to get frustrated, but said he was also intrigued. I was honest and told him my self-esteem doesn’t hinge on what a faceless stranger on the internet thinks of me. And besides, the vast majority of my clients tell me I’m gorgeous on a regular basis, so one person’s opinion doesn’t really affect me.
He then asked me to tell him one of my biggest insecurities. Again, I was trying to be honest. I told him that my biggest fear is that I am not really a good person, that I only do good things for people so that they will like me. He jumped on that. He said it was obvious I was desperate to be liked, I am exposing myself to people on the internet. I agreed with him, which I think threw him off. I told him I know my flaws, but I’m not going to cry about it. I’m working on it. I know I’m damaged, so having a stranger point it out to me isn’t really that upsetting.
He was finally either out of time, out of money or out of patience, because he said he would need to time to think of other things to ask me and then said goodnight. Until next time, sir.
Although he didn’t succeed in making me cry, this client did make me think. I am still comfortable with this experience and I don’t have any moral objections to it. I am a strong, independent woman and get to choose. I would rather use my sexuality in my free time, for myself, but I don’t mind sharing it with others and so far it has been a fun experience.