A Delicate Challenge

Today I realized something that I didn’t consider when I started modeling.  The whole reason I started doing this was to supplement my income enough to pay my bills.  But what do I do when I have my period?  Do I take a week off of modeling?  I can’t really afford to do that.  Do I try to find clients that are into a blood bath?  Somehow I don’t think there are very many of them, and trying to find them would take time away from modeling.  Or do I find a way to make it seem like I’m not on my period?

This is a challenge.  First, I always have a horrible acne breakout around the time I start menstruating.  Second, there’s the associated bloating, cramping, and exhaustion.  And finally, of course, the technical difficulty of concealing all the blood.  There’s foundation for the acne and supplements for the rest, but my solution for the blood is to wear a cup.  For those not familiar, there are these little rubber cups for women that sit up inside the vagina.  I’ve been wearing one during my period for several months because I think it’s more convenient and it’s better for the environment than pads and tampons.  So I thought to myself, why not just keep the cup in and proceed as if nothing has changed?

This worked very well at first.  As long as all anyone asked was that I strip or rub my clit, everything was fine.  Then I was asked to do penetration with one of my toys.  I thought maybe if I was careful I could make it seem like I was going deep, but keep from dislodging my cup.  The client was insistent that I go deeper, so I tried, and that’s when I had what I referred to as a “wardrobe malfunction”.  Blood everywhere.

So I’m still trying to find a good solution to this problem.  Maybe I should revisit the idea of trying to find clients that are into that kind of thing.

My First “Free Chat Lifer”

Tonight was a slow night.  I spent most of my time in the free chat room answering questions and responding to the occasional request to take my top off.  And tonight I had my first “free chat lifer”.  It’s what the business calls someone who hangs out in the free chat and never buys a paid session.  He was really nice, and actually really helpful, as he steered the conversation in the direction most of the guys wanted it to go anyway.  My agency says not to indulge “free chat lifers”, but it was sweet and kind of a self esteem boost to have someone willing to spend all night in my room.  I will admit it did distract me a little from other people in my room, and maybe that’s why it was a slow night.  Or maybe it’s because it’s Friday night and there are more models online tonight.  Or maybe it was the guy who kept suggesting music I might like.

There is still so much to learn!  I wish it was easier to get feedback.  It’s not like our agent watches our stream and gives us pointers.  I have 60 followers and a 5 star rating after three days, so I guess I can’t be doing that badly.

An Evening of Firsts

So I didn’t perform yesterday because I had a 17 hour shift at work and I was only going to get about five hours of sleep before I needed to be back.

Today was my day off though, so I wanted to put in a couple of quality hours on the webcam.

Up until this point, it’s been mostly people asking to watch me masturbate or to gag on one of my toys.  Pretty tame and nothing I haven’t done for guys I’ve dated.  Tonight, though, things were different.  I’m not sure if it’s because I increased my prices, or if it’s because I’m starting to get more well known.  Tonight was the first time I’ve put a foreign object up my vagina (not that weird, and kind of pleasant depending on what it is), first time I’ve sucked my toes for someone, and first time I’ve shaved for someone.  It was also the first time in this experience that I’ve actually felt uncomfortable during a performance.

Story Time

It started out pretty typical: “take off your clothes”, “how old were you the first time you had sex?”, “how long has it been since you last had sex?”

But then it took a turn.  When I asked my client the same questions, he started telling me a story.  He said that when he was 13 years old, he snuck into the women’s shower at the beach.  There was a 27 year old woman showering there, and she noticed him.  He didn’t give details, but somehow this evolved into the woman giving him a hand job, then having sex with him, and then performing filatio until he finished in her mouth.

I was horrified, but I didn’t stop the stream, because he was enjoying telling me and he wanted me to help him reenact certain parts of this scenario.  But it got worse.  He wanted to know if I would ever consider having sex with a boy that young.  The answer is an emphatic “NO”.  But we’re told in all of the materials we get from the agency that if the client is paying you are expected to do what they want and fulfill their fantasies.  And I’m so new, I didn’t feel like I could afford to get a bad rating.  Also, we were just talking, he hadn’t shown me any pictures or videos, what we were doing wasn’t illegal.

So I told him I would consider it.  He absolutely loved that.  He asked what the youngest girl I would have sex with would be.  At this point I was starting to feel sick to my stomach.  I said I would consider having sex with someone 15 or 16 (the age I was when I started having sex).  He said that really turned him on.  He told me I was special, and beautiful, and nice and that he really enjoyed me.  Thankfully at this point he was either satisfied or had run out of cash, because he said goodbye and signed off.

Now I can’t stop thinking about it.  Was this man sexually abused when he was 13 years old?  Or is he a pedophile who uses this as a way to talk through his sexual fantasies?  Is what I did wrong?  Is there any way he could use this to blackmail me?

I honestly never could have imagined something like this.  Maybe I was naive.

Walking a Mile in New Socks

Today I learned that the company that owns my agency also owns a site where their models are encouraged to sell personal items.  Now, we have all heard of women selling their undergarments to strangers on the internet.  I just always imagined it to be on Craigslist or through social media; I never expected it to be this organized.  And I never could have imagined how much money you can get for a pair of used panties!  The starting rate is $25 and then there are extra fees for days worn and selfies wearing the item.

Needless to say, I went down and searched through the clearance bin at my local mega-mart, picked out a few things I liked, and posted some pictures to the site.  In my mind, the worst case scenario is that I end up with new socks and underwear, which I honestly needed anyway.  And the best part is, the money that I’ve made modeling the past two days covered the cost of 11 pairs of socks, three pairs of underwear and a new 33′ ethernet cable.  Oh wait, no, the actual best part is, I can write all those things off as a business expenses on my taxes.

The only thing that doesn’t appeal to me about this arrangement?  I can’t say that I’m thrilled at the idea of wearing the same pair of socks for five days straight.

My First Day

“Why jump straight to exposing yourself to strangers on the internet?”

Today was my first day as a professional webcam model.  If you had asked me ten years ago what I thought I would be doing when I was 25, this would not have been on the list.

I went to a good college, I graduated Magna Cum Laude, I went to graduate school, and I got my doctorate.  After I graduated, I was accepted into a year-long, post-graduate internship program on the other side of the country.  So I packed up my house and my pets and drove across the country, excited to start my professional career.

Now, I knew going into it that an intern’s salary is only about one third of what a professional in the field makes.  But it is great experience, offers a safety net for your first year out, and it gives me a year to figure out what direction I want to take my career.  I also knew that the state I chose to move to has a very high cost of living.  However, I did not anticipate that the combination of those things and the incredibly high income tax would have me looking at my first paycheck and realizing there was no way I could pay my bills.  My salary is barely enough to cover rent each month.

But, you might ask, why jump straight to exposing yourself to strangers on the internet?  Well, there are a lot of different factors that contributed to that decision.  The first, and probably most significant, is that, as an intern, I work 15-18 hours a day, six days a week.  That does not leave much time for another job, especially not one in the field in which I already work.  Not only does it not leave much time, but it means I need to have flexible work hours, because I never know what time I will get done at my regular job.  The second is that I wanted to spend the time I wasn’t working at home with my pets.  They are my children, and my work schedule is already really stressful for them.  The third is that I am sexually curious, and I felt that if I had to spend all of my free time working, I should at least do something I would hopefully enjoy.  And I thought, all of those years sending nude pictures to guys counts as experience, right?

So, here I am.  I worked for an hour and a half this morning before I had to go to my regular job.  I didn’t earn very much money, but at this point every little bit helps.  And if I work for a couple of hours every day, I should be able to make ends meet.

I’m hoping this blog will be a way to help me work through my feelings about the whole experience and maybe share an interesting story here or there. I’m telling myself right now that this is only going to be a year-long experience to get me through my internship.