The Client Who Wanted to Make Me Cry

Tonight I had an interesting experience with a client who has a fetish for watching girls cry.  Now, I am a sub, but I have to admit I was not excited by the idea of being emotionally abused to the point I would cry.

Story Time

For the most party my clients are really sweet guys who get off watching me get off.  Tonight, though, I had a client who gets off by degrading and demeaning women until they cry.  I told him I was willing to let him try.

He started by asking if any of my family or friends know I do camera work.  I told him that two of my best friends know (they do; they’re not thrilled about it but they understand and support me) but my family doesn’t. He wanted to know what my dad would think if he knew.  I was honest and told him my dad would probably cry.  My dad is a devout, born-again Jehovah’s Witness, and knowing that I was exposing myself to strangers on the internet would break his heart.  And not just because he would find it immoral and disgusting, but because he would be hurt that I would rather do that than come to him for help.  My dad is a retired military man who is now working for the post-office.  He can barely support himself; I can’t ask him to support me, too.

When my client learned that, he knew what he wanted me to do.  He asked me to pretend to call my dad and tell him about my camera work.  Even though I knew I didn’t actually have to call my dad, I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach.  Even though I was pretending, I still felt a twist in my heart at the thought of my dad having to hear that from me.  I didn’t actually cry, but it did make me think.

Once that didn’t work, my client changed tactics.  He started to critique the way I look.  Now, I am very critical of my body, and I do a lot to try to stay fit and look my best.  However, if I am being objective, I am moderately attractive at best.  I’m what I semi-jokingly refer to as “fat-skinny”.  I am thin and have good muscle tone, but I have a layer of fat over my abdomen, thighs and butt.  I also struggle with acne constantly and I think my nose is too big.  So, I am aware of my flaws and I am probably more critical of myself than anyone else.  Therefore when this client told me I was fat and that I was less attractive than most of the girls on the site, I was not particularly hurt.

By this point my client was starting to get frustrated, but said he was also intrigued.  I was honest and told him my self-esteem doesn’t hinge on what a faceless stranger on the internet thinks of me.  And besides, the vast majority of my clients tell me I’m gorgeous on a regular basis, so one person’s opinion doesn’t really affect me.

He then asked me to tell him one of my biggest insecurities.  Again, I was trying to be honest.  I told him that my biggest fear is that I am not really a good person, that I only do good things for people so that they will like me.  He jumped on that.  He said it was obvious I was desperate to be liked, I am exposing myself to people on the internet.  I agreed with him, which I think threw him off.  I told him I know my flaws, but I’m not going to cry about it.  I’m working on it.  I know I’m damaged, so having a stranger point it out to me isn’t really that upsetting.

He was finally either out of time, out of money or out of patience, because he said he would need to time to think of other things to ask me and then said goodnight.  Until next time, sir.

Although he didn’t succeed in making me cry, this client did make me think.  I am still comfortable with this experience and I don’t have any moral objections to it.  I am a strong, independent woman and get to choose.  I would rather use my sexuality in my free time, for myself, but I don’t mind sharing it with others and so far it has been a fun experience.


My First Onscreen Orgasm

Tonight I had my first real onscreen orgasm.  It is hard for me climax in the best environment (ie bottle of wine, lights off, my own bed, lesbian porn) and it is even harder with the pressure of doing it when asked and on camera.  So up to this point I have had to fake it every time a client has asked me.  Thus far no one has noticed, but I will admit it’s a little frustrating for me to get close, then have to fake it, and then have to get dressed and get ready for the next show.  So for me to climax onscreen during a show was a big deal and a bit of relief.

Story Time

In my bio on my company’s website, one of the things I have listed in my interests is threesomes.  I have never been in one but I honestly really want to try it.  I am bi and the idea of being in a threesome with a man and woman is a huge turn on for me.  I have recently found clients that are a couple and they are very much into the idea of being in a threesome with me.  For the sake of privacy I will call them Edward and Vivian, from ‘Pretty Woman’.  They are a BDSM couple where he is always dom.  They have discussed letting her be dom with me though, if we were to get together.  Usually I talk to one of them at a time (I guess it’s possible it’s just one person leading me on, but I have no way to tell) but every once in awhile they will be on together and will pay for a show.

Tonight I was just talking with Edward, because Vivian is out of town.  He told me they had been talking about me a lot and they really want to meet up.  They don’t live very far from me, but I have told them I’m not allowed to give out my personal information to clients.  He said he understood but he would try sending me a message with his information (I never received it, and this is not the first time, so I’m thinking my company screens my messages for personal information).

Edward really wanted to give me an idea of the kind of thing that I could expect if I were to meet up with them.  He told me that Vivian is really attracted to me also, but because he is the dom he gets to have me first.  He described having her watch as he had his way with me and then letting her have me afterwards.  He wanted to watch me masturbate as he described these things to me and it was a huge turn on for me.  I actually orgasmed when he told me she wanted to have a turn with me.

I really like this couple and I think it would be so much fun to meet up with them.  I just don’t know how to arrange it and I am not totally convinced it would be safe.  I honestly do want to have a threesome experience, but I have no idea how to find it for myself.  I’ve been hoping my company would set up something for me in one of the videos they produce, but I haven’t heard anything.  Maybe I will just keep thinking about Edward and Vivian and hopefully something will work out.

My First Attempt at Dom

Tonight I had my first opportunity to try being a dom.  I am always sub; it’s the part I most enjoy and it’s the part I’m best at.  But tonight I had a client that wanted me to talk him through a kidnapping fantasy where I was the kidnapper.  It was a lot of fun!

Story Time

My online persona is a nurse.  I’m not a nurse in real life but I do work in the medical field and I have the knowledge to pass for one.  So keep in mind that is what this client was expecting.

He is in the military and is living on base, so he wanted me to describe how I would kidnap him from the base and have my way with him.  It went something like this:

I am a nurse who was contracted by the military to fill in on base when their staff nurses are out sick.  I am administering flu shots and I notice him as soon as he walks in the room.  I am immediately attracted to him, but I have no idea how to tell him.  So I come up with a plan to kidnap him and have him all to myself.  When he sits down for his flu shot I don’t draw up the vaccine, instead I draw up a dose of sedative.  I administer the sedative and he has just enough time to realize what’s going on, so I have to cover his mouth with my hand as he starts to pass out.

When he wakes up he is bound and gagged in another part of the base where no one will find us.  I loosen his gag so that we can talk and that I can convince him he wants to be with me voluntarily.  I undo his pants so that I can convince him.  He tells me that he’s liked me all along and that I never needed to kidnap him.  So I undo his bonds.  But he turns the tables on me and ties me up and gags me.  Then he can do whatever he wants to me.

I absolutely loved this experience.  I really liked getting to try out being a dom and the client was incredibly sweet.  It was also just a fun scenario to act out.  He is in the military and is stationed overseas, so that added an element of excitement and romance to it.  I hope he stays safe.

My First Fetish Show

Tonight I did my first fetish show.  It was something I never could have imagined and nothing like what I expected when I started modeling.

Story Time

Tonight I had a client ask me if I would take a bath for him.  This is not that unusual and honestly, the idea of getting paid to take a bath is incredibly appealing.  My muscles are always so sore and tired from my day job.  So I said yes and he took me into an exclusive room.  He told me to run the bath and put on a swim suit.  I did both and then we just chatted while the bath ran.

That’s when it became clear this wasn’t going to be a typical bath show.  He told me to make the water cold.  Then he explained what he was into was dunking.  A Dunk Tank fetish.  Think of a dunk tank at a carnival, where the person sits on the platform and people throw things at a target that makes them fall into a tank of water.  That was this client’s fantasy.  He asked me to talk dirty to him as if I was on the platform and he was a person trying to dunk me.  Then he had me sit on the edge of the tub.  He had me get in, then dunk my head under the water and come up spluttering and gasping for air.  He had me repeat this several times, looking at the camera when I came up for air.  After a couple of times, he asked that I take my top off.  After a couple more, he asked me to take my bottoms off.  Then he dunked me once more before he logged off.

Overall it was not a bad experience, and I feel like it was relatively tame.  He paid for a long session and he tipped me well afterwards.  I find it fascinating the kinds of things people are into and I am so curious as to what it is about dunking that turns this client on.  It will be interesting to see what other kinds of things people ask me to do.  What if I discover I have a fetish?

An Evening of Firsts

So I didn’t perform yesterday because I had a 17 hour shift at work and I was only going to get about five hours of sleep before I needed to be back.

Today was my day off though, so I wanted to put in a couple of quality hours on the webcam.

Up until this point, it’s been mostly people asking to watch me masturbate or to gag on one of my toys.  Pretty tame and nothing I haven’t done for guys I’ve dated.  Tonight, though, things were different.  I’m not sure if it’s because I increased my prices, or if it’s because I’m starting to get more well known.  Tonight was the first time I’ve put a foreign object up my vagina (not that weird, and kind of pleasant depending on what it is), first time I’ve sucked my toes for someone, and first time I’ve shaved for someone.  It was also the first time in this experience that I’ve actually felt uncomfortable during a performance.

Story Time

It started out pretty typical: “take off your clothes”, “how old were you the first time you had sex?”, “how long has it been since you last had sex?”

But then it took a turn.  When I asked my client the same questions, he started telling me a story.  He said that when he was 13 years old, he snuck into the women’s shower at the beach.  There was a 27 year old woman showering there, and she noticed him.  He didn’t give details, but somehow this evolved into the woman giving him a hand job, then having sex with him, and then performing filatio until he finished in her mouth.

I was horrified, but I didn’t stop the stream, because he was enjoying telling me and he wanted me to help him reenact certain parts of this scenario.  But it got worse.  He wanted to know if I would ever consider having sex with a boy that young.  The answer is an emphatic “NO”.  But we’re told in all of the materials we get from the agency that if the client is paying you are expected to do what they want and fulfill their fantasies.  And I’m so new, I didn’t feel like I could afford to get a bad rating.  Also, we were just talking, he hadn’t shown me any pictures or videos, what we were doing wasn’t illegal.

So I told him I would consider it.  He absolutely loved that.  He asked what the youngest girl I would have sex with would be.  At this point I was starting to feel sick to my stomach.  I said I would consider having sex with someone 15 or 16 (the age I was when I started having sex).  He said that really turned him on.  He told me I was special, and beautiful, and nice and that he really enjoyed me.  Thankfully at this point he was either satisfied or had run out of cash, because he said goodbye and signed off.

Now I can’t stop thinking about it.  Was this man sexually abused when he was 13 years old?  Or is he a pedophile who uses this as a way to talk through his sexual fantasies?  Is what I did wrong?  Is there any way he could use this to blackmail me?

I honestly never could have imagined something like this.  Maybe I was naive.